Life, Hope, and Courage are Needed!

- To Become a Flower that Gives Courage to Those with Body and Mind Pain

Until a month ago, I used to commute to work by taking two subway transfers and a 10-minute walk. Where I live is just a 2-minute walk from the subway station. To be precise, it takes less than a minute. Living on the 13th floor, depending on the elevator's status, it takes an additional 2-3 minutes. Still, I had to take a 6:2-minute subway. I have even taken an earlier subway once, at 5:57 AM. The strange thing is that unlike the 6:2-minute subway, the 5:57-minute subway doesn't have any available seats. It was crowded with people.

I have a peculiar habit. It's a habit I developed as a latecomer college student during my first major class. At that time, despite a traffic accident that made lectures difficult, I remember the image of the professor who came to give the lecture with determination. What I remember most during the lecture was, "To understand others, you must observe." Then, I was advised to observe people's expressions and postures on buses or subways to analyze and think about what they might be thinking. The professor's genuine advice easily turned this into a habit for me.

Since then, for almost 30 years, I have made observation a habit and a hobby. Even while teaching, I observe children. I observe my two children at home. And I observe my wife.

This habit often exhausts me. When I see someone struggling and in pain, I imagine their thoughts, and their emotions are transferred to me.

Having a constant interest in others has brought about a problem. The limitations of not observing and examining myself were evident in April 2023. Unexpressable anxiety, despair, and a sudden fear of death overwhelmed me. There may be various reasons, but...

"I've lost hope! And I didn't have the courage to continue living."

And so, I take medication and sleep. I live each day experiencing emotional ups and downs, pretending not to express my depression. As a result, my body and mind are gradually getting more exhausted.

Nevertheless, I have a dream.

"A flower that gives courage!"

I want to become such a person for myself and for the people I have relationships with.

<Questions> 

Q1: How did the habit of observing others affect the author's life and perspective over the years?

Q2: In what ways does the author express their desire to become a "flower that gives courage" to themselves and others?

Q3: How does the author's experience of losing hope and struggling with anxiety and fear relate to their aspiration to bring courage to others?